Wednesday, March 26, 2014

MILFs, Banal Action, and Two Other Things About Turning 42

1. I have now been of legal drinking age longer than I have not

2. MILF porn is now "Age Appropriate Porn"

Nina Hartley - 2013 AVN Awards
Nina Hartley, famous porn actress. Photo by Michael Dorausch, used under Creative Commons.
3. Career paths that are closed to me, in some cases by law (and by several years) include:

I can still become a redhead, though.
* Secret Service Agent
* US Military (all branches)
* FBI Special Agent
* Air Traffic Controller

Technically, I can still become an astronaut, though my degree is in the wrong kind of science, and the end of the Space Shuttle program means no more Payload Specialist opportunities. (Of course, there's always the hope that SpaceX or Virgin Galactic are hiring Orbital Social Media Specialists.)

4. The first page of search results for "Thoughts on Turning 42" turns up articles that are incredibly banal. And this entry does not appear to be a C-C-C-C-Combo breaker.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Al Qaeda Wants to Car Bomb Your Favorite Arlington Bar

This week, Al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula released the 12th and latest edition of Inspire, their magazine for instructing homegrown jihadis in the West:

 
Their "Open Source Jihad" feature provides technical how-to's and tactics for using improvised explosives and other methods to inflict damage on the West. (Remember how people laughed at their first effort, "Make a Bomb in the Kitchen of Your Mom"? We stopped laughing after we found the Tsarnaev brothers may have used it to build their pressure cooker bomb.)

This latest edition is all about making car bombs, with detailed instructions on using propane and oxygen containers and Christmas lights.

For targeting, they including the following guidance: Target bars and restaurants in Arlington and Alexandria (as well as M Street), because they are frequented by high-profile personalities:


Apparently, Adams Morgan and the U Street Corridor do not yet rate as targets. Adjust your nightlife planning accordingly.

Also of note, apparently AQAP does not recognize the legitimacy of renaming the Sears Tower to the Willis Tower, and thinks the Air Force is based in Chicago.

Inspire is available as a PDF if you search for it; if your search skills suck, I would also expect Public Intelligence to post it soon.

Thursday, March 06, 2014

If I Were President, by Joseph Loong [Age 12]

A recent visit to the deep archives at the Loong ancestral estate uncovered this document: a handwritten essay on the topic If I Were President, written by my 12-year-old, 7th-grade self in 1984.

It shows that I was basically a neocon with futurist tendencies. Essentially Newt Gingrich with fewer divorces:

If I Were President - 1984

If I Were President, by Joseph Loong


My pool pass from 1985
My pool pass from a year later, 1985.
If I were President of the United States, I would first build up the nation's defenses with modern weapons. I would then phase out the mail system with computer mail and use electronic credit cards to replace cash and change transactions, with no money involved. I would make a space-ground laser defense system to protect the U.S. from missile attack. I would also try to clean up the enviorment [sic] by planting thousands of trees and stop factories from polluting the air. I would install moving sidewalks and promote electric cars with built-in computers and cruise control, and also create American "bullet trains." Large, all weather, indoor farms would be built if I were President. I would also tear down all cities and towns, except for historical areas and build new, modern, fireproof, bombproof, and weatherproof houses and apartments. And, I would get the CIA and FBI to infiltrate the Communist countries, and eliminate them from the inside. Last, but not least, I would try to improve American health, diet, and state of living, and the economy, and eliminate criminals, radicals, and treasonous people.

[Teacher's remarks: "This piece of writing is very well done, gramatically correct, and well thought out. I am impressed with the [illegible] structure and use of words.]


Analysis

My teacher's remarks to the contrary, I'm chagrined by the structure of the essay, which is a pile of unrelated items with no paragraph breaks. Also, I cringe at the awkward shift to the passive voice I used to an attempt to take a break from all the "I woulds" I'm throwing around. (Had I known about bulleted lists in 1984, I would have been all over that.)

I also see three major influences:

1. Concepts lifted wholesale from the "World of the Future" books published by the UK's Usborne Hayes in 1981 (also published as an omnibus edition, "World of the Future", which you can see in its full PDF glory), and that I probably bought at a school book fair and subsequently devoured.

IMG_2930

2. Ronald Reagan's Strategic Defense Initiative, aka the "Star Wars" program. It came out a year earlier, and I read every article about it that Time and Newsweek had to offer.

3. The House Un-American Activities Committee. Seriously, where did the bit about eliminating radicals and treasonous people come from? I sound like a John Bircher. Though I especially like that it's in the same sentence as improving American health and diet.

Actually, if you take the last two sentences and replace "Communist" with "Muslim extremist," I'm pretty sure it would fit in pretty well as a typical Free Republic post, and perhaps be featured in a speech at CPAC.

Ultimately, I'm disappointed because I thought I was further along by age 12. Then again, I was 12. Then again, that's how old Grover Norquist was when he says he came up with the idea for his "no tax" pledge. Go figure.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Thank You Racist Texans, for Further Ruining an Already-Ruined Night

It wasn't bad enough that I was at a local bar watching Duke blow a late-second-half lead to UNC (during the Snowchi-rescheduled game at Chapel Hill).

No, going out to the patio during a break in the action, I get to experience this:

The tail end of some anecdote, told by two visiting, self-declared Texans (who may have been friends-of-a-friend-of-a-friend, or merely random bar loudmouths), of a female acquaintance getting hit, with the abuser subsequently getting beat down (all wording paraphrased):

"There's two things down in Texas we don't stand for...

Men hitting women, and..."

Long, exaggerated look over left shoulder...

 [Oh, no...]

Long, exaggerated look over right shoulder...

"...Black guys with [at this point, I'd already started bailing for the door, so I missed the exact wording, though he clearly meant "white women"]..."

 "...which seems to be a thing down here..."

Seriously, I'm glad (not) I passed your philosophical paper bag test, but FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

If You Don't Hate Me Yet, The Next 90 Seconds Will Change That

Found this in my archives. It's an AOL jingle/song -- not sure if it was ever used anywhere. The style is equal bits Instructional Video Soundtrack and Bible Camp Singalong. Feels like it could have been the background music for a promotional video or the warmup for an all-hands meeting. [Update: A smob claiming knowledge of the particulars said on a Facebook comment, "That was from some message board group back in 1995 - it wasn't AOL sanctioned/created. eWorld was somehow involved but forget why."]



How long do you think you can last? The lyrics are really bad. Trust me, I had to listen in order to transcribe them:

[Chorus]
Take your time, go online
Come around and join the party
Take the key, and you will see
That it's fun to hang around.
Go America…
Go America…
Go America Online
[/Chorus]

Hurry up and check the system
And meet the people and start chatting.
Come on board, come to the show.
Let this family grooooow.

[Chorus]

[Keytar solo?]

You need some info so show you've got it
The World Wide Web will make it.
We're all waiting for new friends to be known to
And we hope it will be youuuuuuuu.

[Chorus]

Doesn't matter what problems you will get.
Our family will help you.
Doesn't matter how much time it will take.
Take your hands and break through.

[Chorus x 2, ends abruptly.]



If you've got ideas as to when the song was made or how it was used, leave a comment. Take your time, go online...

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

In a Post-Apocalyptic World, the Proof Is in the Pudding

[Mild spoilers for The Walking Dead season 4, episode 9, "After."]

In this episode, sullen Carl needs a haircut and eats roof pudding:

Photo: AMCTV. Pudding: Roof, chocolate.
How much pudding does Carl eat? 112 ounces. Seven pounds of chocolate pudding. (3.17 kg in non-Imperial units, also known in modern America as a "small.")

Here is the Amazon listing for a similar pudding offering. It contains 140 calories per 1/2 cup serving (actually 140 kilocalories, since an American calorie is larger than other nations' calories, which makes sense when you see modern Americans), or 3920 calories for the 28 servings in the can, otherwise known as a "snack."

It's still a lot of pudding. Put in the context of modern competitive eating, the Guinness World Record for custard/pudding eating is 2 pounds, 15 ounces (1.34 kg) in three minutes, set by American Donald Cunningham in 2010.

The International Federation of Competitive Eating (aka Major League Eating) does not appear to have a record for pudding, though records for  similar substances include:

Cheesecake
11 pounds (176 ounces)
9 minutes/Sept. 26, 2004
Sonya Thomas

Cranberry Sauce, Jellied
13.23 lbs (211.68 ounces)
8 Minutes/Nov. 22, 2007
Juliet Lee

Grits
21 lbs (336 ounces)
10 minutes/Sept. 29, 2007
Patrick Bertoletti

Ice Cream (Vanilla)
1 gallon, 9 ounces (137 ounces)
12 minutes
Cookie Jarvis

Although in this landscape, 112 ounces with no time limit wouldn't appear to be competition-worthy, keep in mind that Carl's character is 14 years old, and has devoted little to no time to the training regimen necessary to be a contender at this level of competitive eating
.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Sweater Made in Non-Existent Country

I wore a sweater today. It has an odd, black-on-blue tiger stripe pattern that  always looks wrinkled, made worse because it's just a little too big and stretched out lumpily.
 
It's an ugly sweater, but only mildly so. It won't win any Ugly Sweater contests. It's acrylic, which makes it practically moth-proof and only slightly uncomfortable. I've had it a long time.



Look at the label:

Mommy, what is the yellow tiger doing to the black tiger?
Le Tigre* was a brand popular in the late 1980s. Positioned, perhaps, between Guess and Polo. Something you might find at a Chess King.

Also note that it is "Made in Yugoslavia," a country that disintegrated in 1991.

Here is my recreation of a 1980s-era portrait photo (the jeans are 1990s, and perpetually on the edge of the "donate/dispose" pile); put a sepia-filter on it and it probably wouldn't look out of place on Internet K-Hole [NSFW], though I never rocked a haircut like that (also the last one of 2013) back in the day.




*This is not a Community reference.

Friday, November 01, 2013

Good Halloween Costumes Don't Need to Be Explained. (This Was Not a Good Costume)

This year, Halloween costume inspiration failed me, so I decided to go topical and timely -- a personal first. (Continuing the trend from last year's pun costume, also a personal first. At this rate, next year's costume will be a t-shirt with "COSTUME" written on it with magic marker.)

The NSA has been on everyone's mind of late, so when I saw after an instructional video on how to make a cheap parabolic microphone, I decided to combine the two elements.


Construction of the mic was fairly straightforward. I couldn't find an umbrella hat like the video shows, and after fruitlessly hunting for the right mini umbrella (and ruining one), I decided to just go with a plastic bowl.

I also bought an MP3 voice recorder (which I've been meaning to do), as well as a cheap lavalier mic and some cheap faux-retro headphones from teenybopper hell 5 Below.

The key element, though, was the NSA parody t-shirt, which I bought off of eBay from a print-on-demand outfit:

IMG_2578

Unfortunately, even though I bought it 2 weeks ahead of time, I learned it wouldn't arrive until after Halloween. (I just got it today.)

So, as fallback, I shifted the focus to an "eavesdropper" based on Gene Hackman's character, an audio surveillance expert who works for the government, in the 1974 film The Conversation ("Based on" since I don't think he actually uses a parabolic mic in the film. He also plays a very similar character -- possible the same one -- in 1998's Enemy of the State):

 IMG_2577 

Add a white shirt, wide tie, brown suit, and a 64-cent fake mustache, and wallah voilĂ . (The glasses should really be horn rims, but whatever.)

Out and about, people got the eavesdropping part, though nobody knew the movie reference. And the mic is functional, though the parabolic effect is barely noticeable compared to just using the bare microphone.

Also, here's the formula for determining where to mount the microphone:

Depth from bottom of dish = [Dish diameter]2 / 16 * [dish depth]

For this setup, x = 112 / 16 * 4.5, or 1.68 inches.

Wednesday, October 09, 2013

Ranch Dressing Is Not Supposed to Be Brown

Found a bottle of ranch dressing in the back of my pantry that was old enough to drive, but not old enough to vote.

The best-when-purchased-by date was November 8, 1996.

The dressing was very brown. Naturally, I opened it. It smelled like... dust:

IMG_2453
 
Nov. 8, 1996 was 3 days after the 1996 US presidential election, when Bill Clinton defeated Bob Dole and Ross Perot to win his second term. It was also a Friday.

This bottle of salad dressing is significantly older than a previous find, my pre-9/11 Raisin Bran, which only went back to August of 2000.

Okay, I admit: I'm actually lying about all this.

There were two bottles. (The other had a sell by date of December 1996.)

Friday, October 04, 2013

Slugs Having Sex and My Dislocated Shoulder

I thought the most disturbing/disgusting thing I was going to see on Thursday night was these two slugs mating on my wall:


Instead, it was looking down at my left shoulder after I dislocated it sliding into third base during a kickball game.

The *POP*

The details are mundane. We were at our usual fields; I was lead-off hitter and got onto first because the fielder dropped a slippery line drive, and advanced to second on the overthrow.

Two plays later, I was running towards third. The ball was already heading to the third baseman, but I had a chance, so I slid.

I was on my left side. Partly because I was headed directly at the girl playing third and I was trying to slow down, but mostly to support myself, I put my left arm down.

*Pop*

I've never dislocated anything (that I can remember -- I have to ask my mom... when I eventually tell her), but it was obvious what happened. First off, it hurt, and second, it looked like I had an extra joint in my shoulder.

After a few fruitless tries to get pop my shoulder back in (I knew where it was supposed to be, but had no idea how to get it there), my teammate Mike drove me to the ER at Inova Fair Oaks Hospital (after a few tries to get to an urgent care - I was pretty useless as a navigator).

The Treatment (and the Photo)

It was pretty empty, so they got to me immediately after I signed in.

After getting my history taken, and having to admit to several people that this was a kickball-related injury, the doc saw me. He was going to put in a line for anesthesia, but I pooh-poohed such decadent indulgence, so they just numbed it a little with some lidocaine.

Here I am waiting for it to kick in. That extra bump... that shouldn't be there:

IMAG0728

The fixing of the shoulder was a much more gentle and gradual process than what you see in the movies, and it didn't hurt at all through the lidocaine. They just sort of rotated it slowly until it *popped* back in.

The rest of it was just x-rays and post-discharge instructions. Here's a video I took while they were wheeling me to x-ray, featuring nothing of consequence save light, relieved banter:


I was hoping for a steadier, dolly tracking-style shot, but I guess I didn't do a very good job bracing my phone. (Nerves and all. Incidentally, the YouTube shaky image correction made my feet ripple and sway in a disconcerting way, so I ditched it.)

As I was waiting for the X-ray results, my teammates, who'd won the game without me (barely), and who were in the waiting room, came in to visit. DeAnna took this photo:

1382144_10151890742663006_872399946_n

The Aftermath

That's about it. I have a prescription for Vicodin, but I'm sticking mostly to Advil and frozen vegetables (topically applied). I'm advised to wear the sling for a few days, and have a followup with an orthopedist.

Oh, and my season is probably over.

I'll probably have a few followup thoughts about healthcare at some point, but right now, I'm just happy that I can move my arm.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Recent Dumb Things: Clearing the Cache

This week, I purchased a hardcover copy of Spook Country, the second book in William Gibson's Bigend Trilogy. (Or is it the "Blue Ant" trilogy? As far as I know, there isn't an agreed-upon nickname for the one that starts with Pattern Recognition and ends with Zero History.)

Of course, today, as I was digging around on my nightstand, what did I see? My previously purchased copy of Spook Country:

 IMG_2286 

I will add this volume to my collection of redundant media, which, as I've written before, usually refers to buying CDs that I already own.

Come to think of it, there are a few other new additions to that category -- I did a CD Cellar run a few weeks ago, and picked up Bjork's Volta, which I was pretty sure I didn't own because I didn't remember the distinctive cover art.

I was wrong:


Pictured alongside the Bjork are some other redundant purchases from the short- to mid-term past: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Belle & Sebastian, and Florence and the Machine. (This is also why can never again buy any Stereolab CDs.)

Some of you may think that the act of buying CDs (even used, as I usually do) is the true "dumb thing," with online music players with the built-in cataloging and such, but I like having the media as the ultimate backup.

While I'm clearing out the cache of dumbness, here's one from last week -- do you know the sound a lithium camera battery makes in the dryer, after it's been through a wash cycle in the side pocket of a pair of cargo shorts?

It goes *ka-clunk* *ka-clunk* *clunk* *ka-clunk* *clunk*

I realize the visual is similarly lacking, but here it is anyway:
IMG_2284

Lastly, to close out this edition, here's an oldie that I've never mentioned -- a slightly melty rice paddle after it fell out of the dishwasher rack and onto the heating element:
IMG_2282

It looks... diseased. (But it still works.)

Tuesday, September 03, 2013

Interactive Map: Results of 334 Fairfax Health District Restaurant Inspections, July 2013

In July of 2013, the Food Safety Section of the Fairfax County (Virginia) Health Department conducted 334 restaurant inspections for establishments in Fairfax County, including portions of Fairfax City and the City of Falls Church.

For my final map project in "Maps and the Geospatial Revolution" -- a massive open online course (MOOC) from Coursera -- I made an interactive map visualizing the results.

Click the screenshot to view the full-size interactive map, or scroll down to see an embedded version and read more about how and why I created it:

Results of 334 Fairfax Health District Restaurant Inspections, July 2013

Screenshot of an interactive map showing the results of 334 Fairfax County restaurant inspections in July 2013.

Finding the Data

The Virginia Department of Health uses HealthSpace, a Canadian company with a US subsidiary, to publish its restaurant inspection results.

It's not particularly user-friendly. There's no site-wide search -- you have to first know the locality you want. (Note that the Richmond Times-Dispatch already has a searchable Virginia restaurant inspections database that pulls from the same data, so my version was just a learning exercise.)

Once at the proper locality, you can search by restaurant name. You can also browse the list sorted by inspection date, though it's easier to view just the frame showing the results (adjusting the count and start attributes in the URL to approximate date ranges as needed.)

For my map, I scraped the data manually (and painfully, with a lot of clicking, copy-and-paste, and search-and-replace) from the Web site; added city names; converted the street addresses to latitude and longitude using a web tool; then added violation counts, the July inspection report, and the URL of each restaurant's facility inspection history record. Then, I exported everything to a CSV file that I imported as a layer in ArcGIS Online (where I have a free public account).

Next time, I'll use a scraper. (Note: Learn how to write a scraper.)

What You're Seeing

Clicking a circle on the map will pop up a window showing the restaurant's July inspection info
The restaurants are represented by circles, with graduated colors showing the number of critical violations for each restaurant. The color categories are divergent, following natural breaks: Bluer symbols have fewer critical violations; redder symbols have more critical violations; and neutral colors represent the average.

Clicking each symbol will pop up a window showing the restaurant's info and number of critical and noncritical violations from its most recent inspection. Also, clicking "More info" will link to that restaurant's facility inspection history (where you can find the results of previous inspections).

Scrolling down will show the full report from the July inspections -- the line breaks and formatting got lost along the way, so they're a little hard to read.

(This version of the map incorporates feedback I received during the peer review process -- the basemap uses a simple gray background which makes the circles easier to see than with the satellite image basemap I used before.)

Final Notes

Note that any single inspection is just a snapshot of that restaurant, so check the inspection history link to get a fuller picture.

Also, "critical" violations can cover everything from handwashing failures and rodent droppings, to lacking an onsite Certified Food Manager or menu labels warning about the health hazards of undercooked ingredients. (See more info about critical and noncritical violations, and a FAQ about the inspection process.)

Government transparency and open government are other interests of mine, so this was a chance to try my hand at taking government data and visualizing it into a map. Nothing as fancy as what you might see presented at Transparency Camp (there are much fancier story map templates, but with 334 results and not a lot of time, I stuck with a basic visualization).

Lastly, since I did everything by hand, don't expect any future editions. (Check the Richmond Times-Dispatch if you want to search for a particular restaurant.)

Monday, August 26, 2013

A Cavalcade of Cascading Failures

Something went screwy with the micro SD card on my phone the other day, which meant I couldn't get to the apps installed on it, nor any of the docs or photos I'd saved to it (nothing incriminating, mind you).

My phone is over 2 years old and it basically out of memory, so it's about time for a new one. But I'll be damned if I'll be forced by a glitch to get one before I'm ready.

Doing some searching around suggested a few options, but first, I had to back up the card contents to my computer.

This is when things went sideways.

The card was a Samsung 8 gig micro SD card. (With more storage than my first four or so computers combined, on a card the size of my little finger  nail.) I put it in an adapter and stuck it in the built-in SD card slot on my MacBook Pro.

It didn't mount. That wasn't so good, but not unexpected. I tested another microSD card in the adapter, and that one didn't mount, so I figured it was a bad adapter.

I bought another micro SD card, mainly for the adapter. The new adapter didn't work. And neither did the brand-new card.

I tried the new card and adapter in a few different USB card readers. Those didn't work. So this was a completely different problem.

I went back to Google, and found a thread on the Apple Support Forums with a bunch of people facing similar problems: "MacBook Pro won't read Sandisk SDHC cards since Lion 10.7.1 update."

Blindly following the suggestions in the thread, I:
  • Installed XQuartz
  • Inserted the card and just waited. A few minutes later, I got a prompt saying the card was unreadable, asking if I wanted to reformat it in Disk Utility. As I wanted to back up the contents of the card, this was not an option.
  • Fired up Parallels, to see if the card would mount under Windows 7. It didn't
  • Zapped my PRAM
  • Reset my SMC
After all this and countless reboots, I think the SMC reset did the trick, since the card mounted.

Now, I can actually get to working on the problem I was trying to get to in the first place.

Regardless, I'll probably still be trying to see if I can get a new phone out of this (I'm out from under my 2-year contract.)


Saturday, August 17, 2013

On TV, women in distress cut their hair, while men in distress shave their heads. Here, I bridge the gap.

I went and did a thing today.

Light-headed.
I got a haircut. Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal, except I've been cultivating my quasi-mullet for many years, at least partially because I enjoyed tossing my luxuriously thick locks in the face of my largely balding peer-group competitors.

According to a generally pearl-clutching piece in Atlantic this week, women in distress on TV cut their hair. While it is sure that this trope is a thing, lamenting its existence ignores the fact that there are just as many examples of the male equivalent -- men in crisis shaving their heads (or, similarly, shaving their beards) -- in pop culture to render this gender-based complaint mostly moot.

Consider:

Taxi Driver's Robert DeNiro in mohawk mode


The Walking Dead's Shane closely shorn after a human sacrifice

In real-life, we have famous examples such as Britney Spears:


And Virginia Tech shooter Seung-Hui Cho.



Anyway, while there are things about my life that I'm evaluating, and while I am trying to reduce the amount of superfluous things, sometimes a haircut is just a haircut.







Monday, July 15, 2013

37 Items From the Abbottabad Commission Report on Osama bin Laden

Diagram of OBL compound in Abbottabad, raided by US Navy SEALs May 2, 2011
Diagram of Osama bin Laden's compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan

Document: Abbottabad Commission Report [PDF]

Length: 336 pages

Document Date: Undated, released by Al Jazeera, July 8, 2013

Notes: 336 pages, but double-spaced and a fast read. Paragraphs are numbered, which is nice, and I refer to them below. Also, Osama bin Laden is referred to as OBL throughout. The released document is a PDF, though image-only, so text is not searchable or crawlable. All names are spelled as they appear in the report. Also, this is in the format I use for my Tumblr blog, Dumb Things I Have Read Lately, but I decided to post it here since it's way longer.

Commentary:
Since last week's release by Al Jazeera of the Abbottabad Commission's report on the May 2, 2011 US Special Forces raid on Osama bin Laden's compound in Pakistan, lots of folks have been trying to pick juicy tidbits from it.

For example, the Daily Mail noted that "Osama bin Laden wore a COWBOY HAT around the house to avoid detection." (Featuring an artist's conception of what Osama in a cowboy hat might look like.)

Beyond the goofy bits, the primary theme of the Abbottabod Commission's report is incompetence, at every level of government.

Shot glass chess set
Image by Flickr user gemsling.
Used under Creative Commons.
In fact, if you made a drinking game from the report, and took a shot every time "incompetence" showed up, you would probably die: The word shows up at least 16 separate times: paragraphs 8, 152, 203, 414, 595, 604, 676, 692, 703, 710, 727, 728, 790, and 794 (counting one "lack of competence," but not counting its appearance in questions).

In many cases, incompetence by individuals and lower-level government agencies is attributed to or exacerbated by systemic problems of ineffective institutions afflicted by corruption, conflict of interest, lack of policy guidance, and generally poor governance.

For example, the "incompetence" of a local police official, the Regional Criminal Investigation Officer, is attributed to "governance implosion syndrome." (p. 78, ¶152)

The report is breathtakingly harsh in its criticisms. It is a thesaurus of pejoratives for poor administration, including: Gross negligence, indifference, confused and incoherent, grave dereliction of duty, active connivance, unprofessional, grave lapse of professional judgment, woeful lack of efficiency, considerable ignorance, systemic failures, grossly irresponsible, shameful, dysfunctional, and policy bankruptcy.

Here are 36 other items from the report.

5-Hour Energy Shot
Image by Flickr user mikeoliveri.
Used under Creative Commons.
bin Laden's 5-Hour Energy: Also in the paragraph about the cowboy hat (p. 41, ¶48), the report noted that "...whenever OBL felt sluggish he would take some chocolate with an apple."

Like: Watching Plants Grow: "OBL personally saw to the religious education of his grandchildren and supervised their play time, which included cultivating vegetable plots with simple prizes for best performances." (p. 41, ¶49)

Escape by a Whisker: During his travels in Pakistan, OBL was clean shaven (p. 44, #55). It was also during this time that the car in which he was traveling to the bazaar was stopped for speeding by a policeman. All inside were free to go after the driver quickly settled the matter. (p. 45, ¶57)

No More TV for You: According to Maryam, wife of courier Ibrahim (al-Kuwaiti), her 9-year-old daughter Rahma was told that OBL didn't leave the house to go to the bazaar because he was too poor to buy anything, As a result, she then referred to him as "Miskeen Kaka" (poor uncle).

Rahma subsequently recognized OBL in a news report on al Jazeera, causing the ladies to then lose their TV privileges. (p. 47, ¶62-63)

In paragraph 73, the commission notes it did not find aspects of Maryam's testimony convincing.

Houseguest From Hell: Also according to Maryam, while they lived in Swat, they were visited for two weeks by a man named Hafeez, with his wife and seven children. A month later, they learned of his arrest, and his real name: Khalid Shaikh Muhammad. (p. 45, ¶58)

A Flood of Information? The Commission speculated that US pilots may have "directly or indirectly benefited from the US flood relief air operations of August-October, 2010 in the same general area" of the raid's inbound flight path, noting that the US had identified the Abbottabad compound by this time. (p. 52, ¶76)

Later, though, Director General Military Operations says during flood relief operations, US pilots were accompanied by Pakistani safety pilots to prevent deviation from planned routes. (p. 131, ¶281)

In several subsequent sections, the report similarly laments Pakistan's reliance on external assistance because of the vulnerabilities they introduce, most notably the notion that the CIA uses nongovernmental organizations as cover, exacerbated by the country's inability to properly track NGOs and their workers.

The Cable Guy: This is slightly ambiguous: Although the commission says the compound had "no television cable or telephone lines" (p. 84, ¶149), it also says a cable provider, prevented from using a wire on a pole next to the house, used another pole instead. The cable guy, later watching a Discovery Channel show about the raid, saw that OBL was watching an Arabic channel that was not offered by that provider. (p. 60, ¶93)

So, did OBL have both Dish and cable, or was the cable guy simply running the cable for a neighbor?

Foolproof Way to Cut Your Utility Bills: The utility company should have noticed that there were 4 gas meters and and 4 electric meters (supposedly  for two families) feeding the OBL compound. The power outage was deemed a fairly transparent ruse to hide excessive consumption caused by the extra, hidden, family (bin Laden's), which could have tipped off authorities. (p. 60, ¶94)

Not a Fan of Children: Pakistani Army Major Amir Aziz, one of many Pakistanis skeptical that bin Laden actually lived in the compound for years, "expressed amazement at how 15-16 children of different ages could be confined and controlled for over five years when even 2-3 children are almost impossible to control and keep quiet." (p. 76, #128)

For other reasons, (p. 78, ¶134), the commission found the Major's testimony questionable.

Accurate, but Pathetic: The commission felt that the explanation why local police agencies failed to perform their investigatory duties (they were pushed aside by more powerful and capable agencies -- the military and ISI) was "an accurate but pathetic explanation." (p. 90, ¶164)

Do the Wrong Thing: "While there can be no excuse for this 'acceptance of realities' by senior officials [in the Home Secretary office of the civilian provincial administration], it has to be noted that they functioned in a very perverse political and administrative environment in which insistence on the correct performance of duty was often rewarded with severe punishment." (p. 98, ¶187)

Twitter as Forensic Tool: The Twitter posts by Shoaib Athar (@ReallyVirtual) were deemed to be "one of the most accurate account of events" because of the timestamps> (p. 79, ¶138)

What About Rent-to-Own?: The Inspector General Police, KPK (Kyber Pakhtunkhwa), felt that properties that were owned by their inhabitants were unlikely to house militants, on the "Assumption that militants would only rent but not buy properties." (p. 93, ¶170)

Bizarro Donald Rumsfeld.
The Anti-Rumsfeld: The commission noted, "The Defence Minister's testimony was disarmingly candid. But it also revealed that he did not mind being treated by his subordinates as an irrelevance. He seemed to recognize that as an [sic] civilian he had no authority to meddle in defence and security affairs even though [he was] the Minister concerned." (p. 227, ¶546)

Bureaucratic Infighting Stops a Beating Heart: "NACTA [the National Counter Terrorism Agency, under the Ministry of Interior] was like a 'still born or aborted child.'" (p. 238, ¶576)

Hoo-ah! The commission found that the ISI investigating team, when faced with a statement by Maryam that there were unknown guests in the house shortly before the raid, dismissed it "as the nonsense of a woman." (p. 175, ¶400)

Government IT Contractors Say This Estimate Seems Low: The Pakistani Air Force Chief, when asked if the radar data from May 2 (which did not show unusual US aircraft activity) could have been manipulated, said that the PAF did not have the capability to change or manipulate the recorded data, which would take 30-40 people 6-7 weeks. (p. 154, ¶347)

Do You Call 311 or 911 to Report an Air Raid? The Air Chief also said there was no standard operating procedures to respond to phoned-in reports of incursions by hostile aircraft.

The Role of Landscaping in Counterterrorism: Trees by the OBL compound's boundary wall were cut down prior to the raid, leading some to suspect that covert CIA ground support agents did so to clear the approach for helicopters. Other reports said that OBL himself wanted them cut down to "prevent snoopers using them as cover." The Pakistani government believes a third theory, that a local landowner had them cut down and sold to pay school fees for her children. (p. 171, ¶387)

If You See Something, You Must Say Something: The Director General Military Intelligence (DG MI) felt "there ought to be a law requiring the public to inform law enforcement authorities about unusual happenings." (p. 186, ¶433)

I Want to Believe: Later, when asked about the possibility that bin Laden and his network were helped by rogue elments in the intelligence community, "The DG MI replied that 'there are no rogue elements in the intelligence establishment.' That was reassuring if not entirely convincing."
(p. 188, ¶439)

I Blame Obama: The Commission on the DG MI's assertion that if a terrorist is willing to sacrifice his life, he can't be stopped. "This, of course, is simply inaccurate. Suicide bombers may cause considerable loss of life, but in general do not have a high rate of success against VIP targets. Otherwise, people like President Obama should be long dead." (p. 190, ¶446)

On Waterboarding, Dryly: "While under detention in Pakistan, '[Khalid Shaikh Mohammad] was ill and did not divulge any information regarding OBL's location.' (He was reportedly "water boarded" almost 200 times by the CIA, which apparently had less concern for the state of his health.)" (p. 195, ¶459)

Because It's Worked So Well for the US: To combat the problem of intelligence sharing and stovepiping, "In the US, after 9/11, the Homeland Security Department (HSD) was established and all 17 security agencies were required to report to it. They all sat under one roof and met three times a day. Something like this was required in Pakistan." (p. 239, ¶582)

We Don't Think You're Completely Incompetent: On the remarks by Pakistan's Ambassador to the UK, who initially claimed the ISI and CIA worked together to trap OBL, then reversed himself: "Seldom has a High Commissioner made a more dishonest or absurd statement... The High Commissioner is an experienced diplomat... That is why, it is difficult for the Commission to dismiss his first statement as the utterance of a complete incompetent." (p. 249, ¶604)

But It Was Okay, Otherwise? On a Ministry of Foreign Affairs press release issued after the raid: "The above statement was truly shameful. It twisted and turned and went through all the convolutions of an acrobat to avoid explicitly condemning the US action and the violation of Pakistan's sovereignty, independence and territorial integrity. Indeed, the statement actually supported the American action by suggesting it achieved a common purpose. The statement dripped with confusion, fear, hypocrisy, deceit and insincerity." (p. 252, ¶609)

And Now for Noam Chomsky: The noted linguist and activist appears in the first of five paragraphs. (p. 259, ¶631)

Tell Us How You Really Feel: The commission refers to American private security contractor Raymond Davis, arrested for killing two Pakistani men he said were armed and threatening him, as "privately hired hitmen, goon thug" and "killer goon." (p. 266, ¶648)

Facepalm
Image by Flickr user benward.
Used under Creative Commons.
No Facepalm Big Enough: In the Commissions findings on why no one noticed or investigated OBL's odd compound: "The extent of incompetence, to put it mildly, was astounding, if not unbelievable." (p. 282, ¶692)

We Know You're Stupid, But Are You an Accomplice? On whether Pakistani intelligence or government was complicit: "Culpable negligence and incompetence at almost all levels of government can more or less be conclusively established by the testimonies of witnesses contained in this report. But connivance, collaboration and cooperation at some levels cannot be entirely discounted." (p. 287, ¶703)

The US as Unseen Enemy: Why did the possibility of unilateral US action come as a complete surprise? "The Pakistani military and political leadership displayed a degree of incompetence and irresponsibility that was truly breathtaking and indeed culpable." (p. 291, ¶710)

The US as Existential Threat: On being unable to stop a US incursion similar to the May 2 raid: "Submission to a military threat or military aggression from a militarily superior power without military resistance, whatever the military costs, has existential implication for Pakistan." (p. 292, ¶712)
 
Never Attribute to Malice: On why the ISI and others missed both the OBL and CIA support networks on the ground: "It was probably more a case of negligence, inefficiency and incompetence rather than complicity." (p. 299, ¶728)

We Failed to Recognize Your Pathology: On the May 2 raid as a major failure to protect Pakistan: The government failed to be aware of the "increasingly criminal and pathological nature of US policies," leading to "the greatest humiliation visited upon the country since its break-up in 1971" [when Bangladesh declared independence] (p. 301, ¶733)

The idea of the raid as a national humiliation for Pakistan, and the theme of the US "stabbing Pakistan in the back", recurs throughout the report.

The Rule, Not the Exception: On systemic failures in governance allowing lower-level incompetence that led to national tragedy: "May 2, 2011 was not a stand-alone failure. It did not represent an exception to the rule. It was the rule." (p. 305, ¶744)

Fences -- yes. Minefields -- no: The commission recommended several actions to strengthen border security. Besides stronger border controls throughout Pakistan to track the passage of foreign NGO employees, they also recommended increasing security on the border with Afghanistan. However, minefields were specifically recommended against.  (p. 331, ¶783)

As a whole, the recommendations advocate for a series of broad measures to revamp the bureaucracy, eliminate corruption, redefine civil-military relations, and generally improve civilian governance and institutions.

Although I am not an expert in Pakistani internal politics, implementation of these recommendations seems unlikely.