Friday, February 21, 2014

Thank You Racist Texans, for Further Ruining an Already-Ruined Night

It wasn't bad enough that I was at a local bar watching Duke blow a late-second-half lead to UNC (during the Snowchi-rescheduled game at Chapel Hill).

No, going out to the patio during a break in the action, I get to experience this:

The tail end of some anecdote, told by two visiting, self-declared Texans (who may have been friends-of-a-friend-of-a-friend, or merely random bar loudmouths), of a female acquaintance getting hit, with the abuser subsequently getting beat down (all wording paraphrased):

"There's two things down in Texas we don't stand for...

Men hitting women, and..."

Long, exaggerated look over left shoulder...

 [Oh, no...]

Long, exaggerated look over right shoulder...

"...Black guys with [at this point, I'd already started bailing for the door, so I missed the exact wording, though he clearly meant "white women"]..."

 "...which seems to be a thing down here..."

Seriously, I'm glad (not) I passed your philosophical paper bag test, but FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

If You Don't Hate Me Yet, The Next 90 Seconds Will Change That

Found this in my archives. It's an AOL jingle/song -- not sure if it was ever used anywhere. The style is equal bits Instructional Video Soundtrack and Bible Camp Singalong. Feels like it could have been the background music for a promotional video or the warmup for an all-hands meeting. [Update: A smob claiming knowledge of the particulars said on a Facebook comment, "That was from some message board group back in 1995 - it wasn't AOL sanctioned/created. eWorld was somehow involved but forget why."]

How long do you think you can last? The lyrics are really bad. Trust me, I had to listen in order to transcribe them:

Take your time, go online
Come around and join the party
Take the key, and you will see
That it's fun to hang around.
Go America…
Go America…
Go America Online

Hurry up and check the system
And meet the people and start chatting.
Come on board, come to the show.
Let this family grooooow.


[Keytar solo?]

You need some info so show you've got it
The World Wide Web will make it.
We're all waiting for new friends to be known to
And we hope it will be youuuuuuuu.


Doesn't matter what problems you will get.
Our family will help you.
Doesn't matter how much time it will take.
Take your hands and break through.

[Chorus x 2, ends abruptly.]

If you've got ideas as to when the song was made or how it was used, leave a comment. Take your time, go online...

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

In a Post-Apocalyptic World, the Proof Is in the Pudding

[Mild spoilers for The Walking Dead season 4, episode 9, "After."]

In this episode, sullen Carl needs a haircut and eats roof pudding:

Photo: AMCTV. Pudding: Roof, chocolate.
How much pudding does Carl eat? 112 ounces. Seven pounds of chocolate pudding. (3.17 kg in non-Imperial units, also known in modern America as a "small.")

Here is the Amazon listing for a similar pudding offering. It contains 140 calories per 1/2 cup serving (actually 140 kilocalories, since an American calorie is larger than other nations' calories, which makes sense when you see modern Americans), or 3920 calories for the 28 servings in the can, otherwise known as a "snack."

It's still a lot of pudding. Put in the context of modern competitive eating, the Guinness World Record for custard/pudding eating is 2 pounds, 15 ounces (1.34 kg) in three minutes, set by American Donald Cunningham in 2010.

The International Federation of Competitive Eating (aka Major League Eating) does not appear to have a record for pudding, though records for  similar substances include:

11 pounds (176 ounces)
9 minutes/Sept. 26, 2004
Sonya Thomas

Cranberry Sauce, Jellied
13.23 lbs (211.68 ounces)
8 Minutes/Nov. 22, 2007
Juliet Lee

21 lbs (336 ounces)
10 minutes/Sept. 29, 2007
Patrick Bertoletti

Ice Cream (Vanilla)
1 gallon, 9 ounces (137 ounces)
12 minutes
Cookie Jarvis

Although in this landscape, 112 ounces with no time limit wouldn't appear to be competition-worthy, keep in mind that Carl's character is 14 years old, and has devoted little to no time to the training regimen necessary to be a contender at this level of competitive eating