6 Reasons Why Real Simple Really Isn't

Making fun of Real Simple (the magazine whose debut showed people -- well, womyn -- how to simplify their lives with $400 cashmere sweaters) is like shooting fish in an barrel.

A dry barrel.

I was killing time on the flight down from NYC today, so I was flipping through a Real Simple from the seat pocket. (I'd been up for the day for a blogging/consumer-generated media thing that I can't blog about since it was all off-the-record. Go figure. Also, I've been up since 5am, and I've only had 3 hours of sleep, and I'm kind of punchy.)

Here are 6 reasons why Real Simple simply isn't.

1. Table of contents: 25 pages in.

2. Really hard to turn the pages because they have a slick, yet matte finish. Plus, the abundance of foldovers and inserts keep you from flipping through it.

3. Page numbers: Only on about 1 in every 10 pages (since they're only on the pages that aren't full page ads.)

4. Page 26: Ad for Ralph Lauren Paint touts over 60 perfect shades of white

5. Page 86: Fabric stickers to cover scratchy clothing tags: Tag Tamers. Rationale from their Web site:

They’re important for washing... or was it dry clean only? Certainly, you’d be in hot water if you tore out the tag that read “Dry Clean Only” and shrunk your newest piece of haute couture.

Let's see if I have this right: You're taping the tag down so you don't lose the care instructions.

Okay, I admit it's been a while since I last wore women's clothes (after one disastrous cross-dressing Halloween of years past, I swore I would only ever wear drag again if I needed to escape the secret police or something), but aren't the care instructions on the back of the tag?

Good thing they're only $8.95 for two dozen.

6. 4-page article on how to not buy $1,250 designer handbags or collect $2,000 in tank tops (100 tank tops at an estimated $20 per. Who pays $20 for a tank top? Oh, that's right: women. And they wonder why they need a space heater at the office in the summer.)

In the interest of fairness, I'll say that I did wash my hands with an antibacterial soap before I got on the plane, which would exacerbate the effect of reason #2. My hands still feel kind of chalky. Ick.

Tags: dumb things, real simple, tag tamers, casual misogyny