Reston, according to The Onion

Last week's edition of satire site The Onion featured an article with a Reston, VA dateline, "Report: Every Place On Earth Has Wrong Amount Of Water," ostensibly about a report from the U.S. Geological Survey, which is headquartered in Reston.

That got me wondering: How often has The Onion featured Reston?

Searching "Reston" in The Onion archives brings up 17 results:

Of those, 7 more have Reston, VA datelines, featuring a real-life organization based in Reston or a fictional person, place, or event here:

• "New Study Finds Rocket-Powered Roller Skates Still Fastest Way To Commute To Job As Eccentric Inventor," April 18, 2024: About a study in the Journal Of Transportation Engineering, a publication of the American Society of Civil Engineers.
• "Realistic New Wildlife Campaign Just Asks Americans To Take A Good Last Look," September 4, 2020: About the National Wildlife Federation.
• "New Study Finds Unplanned Pregnancies Continuing To Decline In Bruce Springsteen Lyrics," September 2, 2016: Name checks the National Association for Music Education,, which used to be in Reston but now is in Herndon.
•  "Juror Way Too Far Into Trial To Ask What 'Contusions' Are Now," October 6, 2014: This one is kind of a random city name misfire, since Reston has no court.
• "BREAKING: Cousin Mark Coming After All," November 22, 2012: About a planned Thanksgiving in Reston.
• "Defiant Customers Refuse To Return Recalled Crib," December 11, 2002: Features a Reston parent.
• "Christian Theme Park Features World's Largest Spanking Machine," June 18, 1996: About The Matthew, Mark, Luke and Fun Playland theme park and its "new Spankinator 7000, the world’s largest spanking machine."
  

5 featured the name "Reston" as the name of a person or street:

• "Succession Of Terrible Events Fails To Befall 33-Year-Old Riding Longboard To Digital Media Job," March 12, 2012: New York City-based digital media developer Jake Reston is the person described in the headline.
• "Nation Figured Everything Would Run On Some Kind Of Cubes Of Blue Energy By Now," November 15, 2015: Has a quote from David Reston of Batavia, NY
• "Disgusted Supreme Court Can't Believe It Has To Rule Having Sex With American Flag Protected Under First Amendment," June 13, 2011: Features a quote from Portland, Oregon resident David Reston as he puts an American flag somewhere where it really, really shouldn't go.
• "City Planner Gets Halfway Through Designing City Before Realizing He’s Just Doing Philadelphia Again," March 24, 2014: Features Des Moines, Iowa urban planner William Reston.
• "As Chief Of Police, I Believe Even 500 Murders Is Too Many," November 25, 2010: Doxxes someone who lives at "324 Reston St."
  

The last 4 mention people or places from Reston:

• "White House Sends Obama To 3-Day Management Seminar At Washington Marriott," March 26, 2014: Has President Obama speaking to (and having a beer with) Tom Hanley, co-owner of Hanley Comprehensive Payroll Services from Reston, "third-largest payroll processor in the region."
• "Biden Scores 800 Feet Of Copper Wire," January 24, 2013: Where then-Vice-President Biden finds scrap copper to sell inside the walls of a vacated residence in Reston, VA.
• "Finest Opera Singer Of Her Generation Unknown By Her Generation," January 31, 2001: The first quote is from "Amy Sharper, 23, a self-described 'total music freak' from Reston, VA."
• "Corporate-Welfare Recipients: Are They Eating Steak And Driving Cadillacs?" February 17, 1999: Features a quote from "Reston, VA, delivery driver Ted Schacht, 41."